Funnies [Archive] - Abaco Forum

Patty&Rudi

01-29-2008, 07:19 PM

Sam -
your story reminded me of this one:

THE WASH CLOTH
PG-Rated

There is not a woman alive today that won't crack up over this one!

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

patw

01-29-2008, 08:08 PM

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two. '

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'!

From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

SamFamAustin

01-29-2008, 08:38 PM

LOL, one of those remind me of yet another real "Sammy" experience. It was Friday at a large business, dress down day, and we're having coffee instead of working, the boss named Lane (who we loved) and everybody.

Along comes a secretary obviously dressed to kill, as if she was going to a disco or something. Her cleavage had the men mesmerized. So she sashays up to Lane our director, wiggling her suggestive hips, and says ...

"Lane honey I think I need an urge protector."

"I bet you think you do."

:D

TurtleDreams

01-29-2008, 08:40 PM

SamFam wrote--

My wife Lori tells a story about before having our first kid, on the way to the OB-GYN for an appointment. She stops to powder her nose at a highway rest stop, and not finding any TP she finally locates an old pack of Kleenex in her purse...

She delivered her baby through her nose?

Lord, JJ, these are all so funny, but this one had me rolling:eek:

Patty&Rudi

01-29-2008, 08:57 PM

From going to work with cleavage to --

"Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked"

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work late.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys next door from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. The boss will never say, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00!" ever again.

SamFamAustin

01-29-2008, 09:00 PM

... bump

01-29-2008, 09:54 PM

These are great! Good ammo for me to send back to my husband, Tim, who is always e-mailing jokes to me. Here's a good list. I vote Sammy most likely to try a few of these out...

How to tick People Off
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all
weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

SamFamAustin

01-29-2008, 10:44 PM

Reminds me the time when I put a rubber chicken in my pants, the neck hanging out the zipper, and spun a hula-hoop while playing a Tiny Tim song on the ukulele, even singing too. On stage. I got the chicken the hula-hoop going round and round like a dance pole girl on fire. But some some blow-hard always has to ask:

"Hey do ya know any Bob Seger?"

No I never met no Bob Seger, come on give me a break. For Jiminey's sake I got a chicken hanging out of my pants, what do you expect? Frank Sinatra or something? They always want somebody I ain't. You there guitar players know what I'm talking? Like Rodney used to say, just can't get no respect! :D

01-29-2008, 10:54 PM

Sammy, I haven't seen the America's Got Talent show before, but from what I have heard of it, I bet your chicken/hoola hoop/ukele/tiny tim act would get you on TV and give us all a chance to see it! They were just doing auditions here in Orlando. See if they are coming out to Texas!

Patty&Rudi

01-30-2008, 12:08 PM

Let's see if this translates...
(though today in Manotick it sounds like a hurricane and the wind will get worse as the day goes on)

patw

01-30-2008, 01:17 PM

Sammie, I saw that show!

patw

01-30-2008, 01:21 PM

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all **** day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

SamFamAustin

01-30-2008, 03:19 PM

Hey Pat, I ... err ... been lookin' for my chicken. How did you end up with it? :confused:

I can't hardly remember any good jokes anymore ... maybe the opening like or the punch line and that's it.

"There was a man from Nantucket ..." naw that ain't no good. Too doity.

"Did you hear about the bear that loved its paw?" Stoopid!

"A string goes in to a bar" ... 'fraid not.

Must be because I'm a blond. Bummer. :rolleyes:

flyingdogs

01-30-2008, 03:40 PM

Pat....the keys are on the porch table and you left the **** water hose on again, Love Sidney

Patty&Rudi

01-30-2008, 03:53 PM

Pat - in these parts we call that "Sometimers" and yeah, I've got it!

01-30-2008, 04:19 PM

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000
by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000
plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

5TH PLACE:

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving
a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson
pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

4TH PLACE:

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th
Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE:

Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphiarestaurant to pay her
$113, 500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2ND PLACE:

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a
night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 plus dental expenses.

1ST PLACE:

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was
Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor
home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Patty&Rudi

01-30-2008, 09:27 PM

When Insults Had Class:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
* -- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
* -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
* -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
* -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
* -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
* -- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
* -- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
* -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
* -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
* -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
* -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
* -- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
* -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
* -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
* -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
* -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
* -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
* -- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
* -- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
* -- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
* -- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work,*he overcame them."
* -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
* -- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
* -- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
* -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
* -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
* -- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
* -- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
* -- Billy Wilder

Abacoparrott

01-31-2008, 07:21 AM

Pat....the keys are on the porch table and you left the **** water hose on again, Love Sidney

sooo, Pat leaves the water hose on does she? Naughty Pat.....that's cistern water too!

Patty and Rudy......I hate flirts.........Ken:D :D

Patti Puzo

01-31-2008, 09:26 AM

sooo, Pat leaves the water hose on does she? Naughty Pat.....that's cistern water too!

Patty and Rudy......I hate flirts.........Ken:D :D

I know what you mean Ken! This is a serious forum, for talkin' serious forum issues. I can't stand when all that seriousness gets clouded with that flirting nonsense!:D :D :D :D :D :D

So: "I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife.... best trade I ever made."
Thomas Horan

"I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife
...best trade I ever made." - Thomas Horan
""I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife
...best trade I ever made." - Thomas HoranI got a new fly rod and reel for my wife
...best trade I ever made." - Thomas Horan

Wonkee

01-31-2008, 10:17 AM

Two men walk into a bar...The third one ducks....

Patty&Rudi

01-31-2008, 11:28 AM

Patty and Rudy......I hate flirts.........Ken:D :D

Sure, Ken! Bet you do! :D

Now - here's one from Canada -- they tell me we will have 20cm of snow tomorrow here -- not sure what that is because I am from NJ originally and been here 12 years, but that's not enough time to learn that metric stuff...

A guy died one day and found himself waiting in the long line waiting
to see St. Peter for admission to heaven. As he stood there he noticed
that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates.
Others were led over to Satan who threw them, screaming, into the
burning pit of Hell. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul
into the fire, Satan would toss it off to one side onto a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the guy's curiosity got the
best of him. So he strolled over and said, "Excuse me, Prince of
Darkness. I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help
wondering -- why are you tossing those people
aside instead of flinging them into the fires of Hell with the
others?"

"Ah, those . . .," said Satan, obviously irritated by the pile. "Those
are all from Canada. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

two rock reef

01-31-2008, 01:59 PM

Patti&Rudy,My Canada joke........ C eh n eh d eh, subtle eh?
I spent all my summers in Muskoka, Canada is a beautiful country!

Patty&Rudi

01-31-2008, 03:36 PM

I spent my summers at the Jersey shore! But you are right - Canada is gorgeous, and what a fascinating state of mind!

And so much fun to make fun of... this is HAPPY HOUR IN CANADA --
(note - not Kalik!)

01-31-2008, 10:36 PM

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.

HALF-A-HAMIAN

01-31-2008, 11:05 PM

I see those Kannuks are using that worthless US greenback currency in place of real money or chips.

SamFamAustin

01-31-2008, 11:17 PM

The absolute worst, stinkiest thing I ever said, and Lord forgive me again, was when my very powerful director boss at a state agency was showing off her brand new car, since a bunch of us saw her in the parking lot. I looked at the woman dead in the eye and asked:

"So how many air-bags does this sucker hold?"

Thanks goodness they didn't know, or thought I was talking dyslexic again, or that I had a very dry sense of humor ... and I should have been fired on the spot. -sammie

Wonkee

02-01-2008, 10:04 AM

a single man lived at home with his sick and dying father. With the End near his father told him of the family fortune of millions that he stood to inherit upon his death.
The man not wanting to die alone as his father did decide to find a wife to share this fortune with. He went to a dance where he met an attractive young woman, he told her although I am not much to look at My father will die soon leaving me a family fortune of millions.
The woman went immediatly and married the mans Dying Father.

The Point....Women are so much better at Retirement planning then men.

Alan Brown

02-01-2008, 10:53 AM

How cold does it get up in Aroostook County, Maine? Well one day it was so cold that the local flasher refused to open his raincoat.....He would only describe himself.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out riding the range. It's a hot day so they decide to go into town to have a cool beer. While they're sitting in the saloon a cowboy comes in and asks "Who owns that white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger says that he does and asks what's wrong. The cowboy explains that it's so hot out there in the sun that the horse looks as if he's ready to drop. Tonto says "You no worry Lone Ranger. I go outside, run around horse, make breeze, keep horse cool." Off he goes. A little while later another cowboy comes in and asks who owns the white horse outside. The Lone Ranger says that he does and asks what's wrong this time. The cowboy replies, "Oh, there's nothing wrong. I just came in to tell you that you left your injun running."

patw

02-01-2008, 10:57 AM

QUESTION.....Do you get a dog?? Or have children? Tough question??

patw

02-01-2008, 01:42 PM

Our guard parrot, Charlie Gator!

Patty&Rudi

02-01-2008, 02:13 PM

I see those Kannuks are using that worthless US greenback currency in place of real money or chips.

Yeah, we use US$ on our Monopoly boards now since it is cheaper than replacing the real funny money! :D

Patty&Rudi

02-01-2008, 02:27 PM

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please, Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request.

Shortly thereafter, two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, "He went that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said." I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she understood.

The GI said," I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of ba**s you've ever seen!
I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

02-01-2008, 07:24 PM

You want me to do what?!?!? :eek:

Patty&Rudi

02-02-2008, 10:36 AM

Rules for Flight

There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hauling your butt
across the sky...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than
up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power
to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle
of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and
vice-versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in
clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings youmake equal to the
number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bagof experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth
repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the
passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour,
the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience
usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however,
no old, bold pilots.

tim abbott

02-02-2008, 10:58 AM

For all of you cat lovers .

Tim Abbott

02-02-2008, 04:01 PM

Tim, ugh! that is so gross but so funny.

Abacouple

02-02-2008, 06:15 PM

A young son asks his dad, "Dad, did I get my brains from you or my Mama?"

Dad replied, "You musta gotten 'em from your mama. I still have mine!"

SamFamAustin

02-02-2008, 06:41 PM

"Mommy, what are public hairs?"

Alan Brown

02-02-2008, 07:20 PM

Sam,

Are they wild rabbits?

culp

02-02-2008, 09:48 PM

For all of you cat lovers .

Tim Abbott

That is just wrong.:eek:

HALF-A-HAMIAN

02-03-2008, 02:28 AM

That is just wrong.:eek:

I'm staying out of this one! :rolleyes:

Aardvark

02-03-2008, 10:16 AM

Mommy, what are public hairs?"

Don't mock. The barber's shop I use is called Public Hair

culp

02-03-2008, 11:28 AM

I'm staying out of this one! :rolleyes:

Thanks Half. At least we can have a sense of a humor 'bout ourselves?:D :rolleyes:

Patty&Rudi

02-03-2008, 11:38 AM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
priest beside her,
"Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused ."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next!"

Patty&Rudi

02-04-2008, 09:27 AM

American Medical Association researchers have made a
remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Patti Puzo

02-04-2008, 11:21 AM

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question." The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!" Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.":eek:

Lucy

02-05-2008, 09:52 AM

Thanks everyone, great way to start the day!!!!

Patty&Rudi

02-05-2008, 10:15 AM

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going
to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked 'What are you selling' here?

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said, 'You are doing well... Only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Scotsmen. ;)

Patty&Rudi

02-05-2008, 06:10 PM

Italian boy's Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

SamFamAustin

02-05-2008, 06:53 PM

Does somebody have a good version of the dumb blond joke about marking where she caught a fish? -sammie

02-05-2008, 07:04 PM

I just can't get over that cat tattoo. :eek: Every time my cat walks away from me, I am reminded of it. Ugh.

02-05-2008, 07:11 PM

I thought I would play around and did a "google" of images using key words "funny tattoos". I saw the cat!!! and there are some other very interesting ones, including several using the belly button as the rear end -- one of a monkey, one of a cow, neither as well done as the kitty, imho. There was one incorporating a mans underarm hair as part of a woman's anatomy (one of her legs going up his arm the other down his side -- you just have to look it up).

I am attaching one that is not x-rated, but pretty cute...

SamFamAustin

02-05-2008, 07:43 PM

Being a horrible salesman, never intending to get into that line of business, I let my "products" sell themselves. I was fairly young when us kids got into this kind of trouble.

The first was dry ice from the meat shipments to an island off the East Coast. The ferrymen you let me have the waste ice and I'd throw it in the water at a convenient viewing spot. "Volcanic Eruption 25 Cents" made me a ton of money, folks, I kid you not. OK, I was a kid, they were all grown-ups!

Then there was the "Ozonated Solar Powered Drier" complete with clothesline and an short dummy electrical plug tail. I insisted that potential buyers plug it in to an electrical outlet to see if it worked, and to come back in an hour. This was actually a best-seller at $7.50, no poles included. Smelled so fresh!

Well, I still had to put them strings up; them ole codgers weren't all that dumb. But I wasn't done yet. By the age of 14 or 15 I was catching New England lobsters and selling the regulars for a dollar, the small legals ones two for a dollar, and the huge ones for $2.50. I'd come around with my basket on my bike and try to sell them, a great deal at the time. The ornery customers, I'd drop a monster lobster on the carpet and walk out the front door, no rubber bands on the pinchers. Can you imagine the commotion?

Best customers ever. I still kinda work that way ...
-sammie

02-05-2008, 07:56 PM

Unintentionally Funny Signs

SamFamAustin

02-05-2008, 09:03 PM

JJ, we must complete the circle, amen!

HALF-A-HAMIAN

02-06-2008, 12:49 AM

Does somebody have a good version of the dumb blond joke about marking where she caught a fish? -sammie
Well, DUH, how do you know we'll get the same boat??

Shelby

02-06-2008, 01:38 AM

This thread was a great idea!!! It has given me a lot of good laughs this evening, but JJ, your collection of signs is my favourite! Now I have to go dig through my funnies file to find something to add the thread.

Amanda

ScottB

02-06-2008, 10:41 AM

[SIZE=3][FONT=Arial](originally about a dentist, but Dr. Ralph

Patty&Rudi

02-06-2008, 11:18 AM

Speaking of condoms --

U.S. President Bush called Canadian Prime Minister Harper with an emergency.

"Our Largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"George, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to help us out?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Harper.

Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Bush.

"Yes?" said Harper.

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour, at least 10 inches long and 4 inches in diameter?" said Bush.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Harper hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in colour, at least 10 inches long and 4 inches in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA - MEDIUM SIZE' on each one."

02-06-2008, 12:38 PM

More signs

Patti Puzo

02-06-2008, 01:59 PM

So if you're having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember this...

Going through life is hard enough,

but to go through life looking like a dick with buck teeth must be the worst!
East African Mole Rat

ScottB

02-06-2008, 02:07 PM

Beer Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTOM
FAULT
REQUIRED ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar.

patw

02-06-2008, 03:36 PM

The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish newspaper

Automobile for Sale
1985 Blue Volkswagen
Only 50 miles. Only first gear and reverse ever used.
Never driven hard. Original tires. Original brakes.
Original fuel and oil. Only 1 driver. Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off.
Photo attached

Patty&Rudi

02-06-2008, 05:29 PM

An archeological team, digging in
Washington DC , has uncovered
10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
of what is believed to be the first
Politician.

MJTaz

02-06-2008, 07:33 PM

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. When the plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the little girl and said:: "I've always found that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "OK. What would you like to talk about?" :confused:

Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"Yes," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thought for a few moments,, then said: "You know, I've never thought about that. I have no idea."

The little girl began to open her book again, saying: "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?" :eek:

Patty&Rudi

02-06-2008, 07:53 PM

Missing Hope Town, so a lighthouse joke!

The following is reported to be the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation
of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October, 1995.

************************************************** ****************************
*****
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
************************************************** ****************************
*****

Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

American:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US
NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURCE NOW!

Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.

HALF-A-HAMIAN

02-07-2008, 12:54 AM

The humour is great, but the USS MO. is a battleship, not a carrier, upon which the terms of surrender were signed by representatives of the Allied forces and the Empire of Japan. That's probably the only time you'll ever hear me vouch for the Show-Me state!

SamFamAustin

02-07-2008, 01:41 AM

Do you say "Mizzoo" or "Mizzura"? Famous boat and a good old joke.

Hope y'all made it through that line of tornadoes the other day, Half.
-sammie

Patty&Rudi

02-07-2008, 01:53 PM

Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

ScottB

02-07-2008, 04:24 PM

Hey Patti...!

Maybe we should move the conversation over here to a new thread in Sapp's...

ScottB

02-07-2008, 04:41 PM

If you stare at this picture long enough you should be able to see a giraffe.
This is weird. Give it a try.

HALF-A-HAMIAN

02-07-2008, 06:18 PM

Do you say "Mizzoo" or "Mizzura"? Famous boat and a good old joke.

Hope y'all made it through that line of tornadoes the other day, Half.
-sammie

I pronounce it Misery! We're on the Kansas side. We got six inches of snow dumped on us before the front hit the south and turned violent. Folks there need a lot of help and PRAYER!

Wonkee

02-07-2008, 06:20 PM

Well, DUH, how do you know we'll get the same boat??

Two blondes are out fishing when they come across a great fishing spot. wanting to return they go about trying to find a way to get back to the spot. They sit in silence for a moment when one says....Duh ill just paint an X on this spot that way we can find it. The other says thats a great Idea, all we have to do is line the X up with that cloud.

DrRalph

02-07-2008, 08:26 PM

What do you get when you turn a blond upside down???:confused:

Patti Puzo

02-07-2008, 08:50 PM

Uh oh......

Alan Brown

02-08-2008, 08:15 AM

Is it like when you turn a duck upside down? You get a quack up.

How was that for skirting the laws of decency?

two rock reef

02-08-2008, 09:14 AM

What do you call a smart blonde?

Charlotte Couple

02-08-2008, 09:50 AM

The town Sheriff walks into the crowded saloon, and asks for everyone's attention.

"Men, we've gotten reports that a notorious outlaw is headin' this way, so everyone needs to be on the lookout for Brown Bag Bob. This is a strange dude, and ought to be easy enough to spot. He's a big feller, 6 foot-five, and he always wears the same outfit. He has a big ten-gallon hat that's made of that stiff brown wrapping paper, like ya ship stuff in. His shirt is made out of the same brown paper, and so are his jeans.He usually wears a big duster coat made of, that's right, brown wrapping paper. He even wraps his boots in the stuff, so basically he's wrapped head-to-toe in brown wrapping paper. That's how he got the name 'Brown Bag Bob'. Anybody seen a man like that around here?"

The crowd murmured, and a couple fellas said they sure would've noticed someone like that, but nobody had spotted Brown Bag Bob around town yet.

"Well, keep yer eyes peeled," the Sheriff said, "He's wanted in three states."

As the Sheriff turned to leave the saloon, the bartender hollered out, "Hey Sheriff! What's this 'Brown Bag Bob' wanted for, anyway?"

The Sheriff turned slowly and answered, "Rustlin'."

Wonkee

02-08-2008, 10:15 AM

What do you call a smart blonde?
False, there is no such creature

Charlotte Couple

02-08-2008, 10:17 AM

Mandy?

Charlotte Couple

02-08-2008, 10:19 AM

What do you get when you turn a blond upside down???:confused:

puolq a

two rock reef

02-08-2008, 10:24 AM

Wonkee, yes there is! answer: a Golden Retriever

Gayleupstairs

02-08-2008, 01:11 PM

Dr. Ralph - me thinks you may be treading on some thin ice. While your wife may be blonde, my guess is that she is no "dumb Bunny."

Sorry - couldn't resist!

SamFamAustin

02-08-2008, 01:37 PM

All I know is that it is against the rules for a blond to fly an airplane upside down, ever. :D

Marty

02-08-2008, 02:18 PM

What do you get when you turn a blond upside down???:confused:

69....

Sorry, I had to go there! 5 o'clock is coming waaaay too slow today.

flyingdogs

02-08-2008, 04:35 PM

**** Sammie, Thats old Red Foxx 78 rpm records, remember them...I used to sneak them out of my parents closet when they were gone and entertain the neighborhood kids, we only understood about half the jokes then...Here's a couple of Red's classics

What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? A goldfish likes to muck around the fountain.

What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches.

DrRalph

02-08-2008, 05:01 PM

What do you get when you turn a blond upside down???:confused:

A brunette with bad breath:eek:

Sorry...

Abacoparrott

02-08-2008, 05:36 PM

What do you get when you turn a blond upside down???:confused:

A highly pissed-off MANDY! :D ken

Mandy

02-08-2008, 08:02 PM

i am not a joke!

SamFamAustin

02-08-2008, 08:18 PM

Here ya go Mandy, should keep him at bay for a while.

Patty&Rudi

02-08-2008, 08:28 PM

How about some political humour (more than is already on tv news channels):

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support
a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on
unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black
one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some
people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from
out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big tits.

Abacoparrott

02-09-2008, 08:55 AM

i am not a joke!

I KNEW you were lurking Mandy.....I can always depend on you...:D ken

TurtleDreams

02-09-2008, 10:22 AM

I know some of you are into the kind of deep relaxation that can only be achieved by many years of serious study. And with the recent death of the master Maharishi Mahesh Yogi reminding us of the ancient practices designed to bring deep relaxation I thought that some here would appreciate this depiction of what can be achieved.

TurtleDreams

02-09-2008, 10:26 AM

I know some of you are into the kind of deep relaxation that can only be achieved by many years of serious study. And with the recent death of the master Maharishi Mahesh Yogi reminding us of the ancient practices designed to bring deep relaxation would appreciate this depiction of what can be achieved.

Or one can take the approach used by practitioners of another ancient form of relaxation

Patti Puzo

02-09-2008, 02:28 PM

Susan and Bill, that was hilarious!

Ken, Sammie and Mandy, you guys need to take it on the road....
Kind of a newer version of Larry, Darryl and Darryl, instead of a male lead, you would have Mandy, the blonde bombshell.....:D

Bill K

02-09-2008, 03:48 PM

Trouble deciding?

Patty&Rudi

02-10-2008, 05:52 PM

Those Lovely Farmer's Daughters

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

02-10-2008, 09:21 PM

Good Answer

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

02-10-2008, 09:22 PM

Another good answer.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

02-11-2008, 11:34 AM

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with... a Misdewiener!

Patty&Rudi

02-11-2008, 12:21 PM

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her over the kitchen table.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "the egg timer's broken and I needed soft-boiled eggs"!

ScottB

02-11-2008, 01:12 PM

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to-be hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

ScottB

02-11-2008, 01:13 PM

BECAUSE I AM A MAN

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries At the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

SamFamAustin

02-11-2008, 02:19 PM

Mom was always a devil about something she mysteriously called "table manners." No slouching, no spilled milk, no boogers, no burping, no farting, eat slowly one bite at a time, no fun at all! Well, it was a family of five boys and a Tom-girl, whaddya expect? Man, did we stay in trouble all the time about them dang table rules. At the age of 17 I left the nest to go to college out of town and got my first boat ...

SamFamAustin

02-11-2008, 08:14 PM

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The
delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist,
and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small
bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat
and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish.

Patty&Rudi

02-11-2008, 09:10 PM

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking
lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------- --------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's
moving!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to
you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord
replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."

ScottB

02-12-2008, 11:12 AM

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!

02-12-2008, 11:53 AM

Ugh, Scott, that may have been worse than my Misdewiener joke. :eek:

ScottB

02-12-2008, 12:06 PM

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]I don

SamFamAustin

02-12-2008, 12:07 PM

Maybe it's time to recycle my old mule joke, which goes back many decades.

Auntie May had an old mule who got the colic real bad on a Sunday morning, so she called the vet. "Just try some mineral oil in the rear and I'll check him out on Monday." So Auntie May goes in search of the mineral oil but can't find a funnel or anything ... but does find her late husband's WWII Army bugle.

Horn affixed, when that mineral oil hits the old mule he started bucking and tooting in pain and bolted over the fence. This got the dogs all riled up and barking, and the kids all chased their dogs as well, the mule in the lead bucking and tooting with much gusto.

Meanwhile, a drawbridge operator was sleeping off some whiskey, since it was a boring job and he was looking forward to winning the election for Mayor coming up in a few weeks. Hearing the tooting and commotion, he promptly raised the bridge and the poor mule went right into the water.

The drawbridge operator didn't win the vote for Mayor, mostly on account that "anybody who doesn't know the difference between a tugboat and a mule with a horn up its Ess shouldn't be in politics."

-sammie

ScottB

02-12-2008, 12:24 PM

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.'

gazeboman

02-12-2008, 06:46 PM

I think we should have a vote for the best funny!!:D

Patti Puzo

02-12-2008, 07:10 PM

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Patti Puzo

02-12-2008, 07:33 PM

On St. Patti's Day, an Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Patti Puzo

02-12-2008, 07:58 PM

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Alan Brown

02-13-2008, 09:02 AM

The Pope was coming to NYC for a visit. He was picked up at the airport in a limo. On the way into the city, he told the driver that he was a fan of big automobiles and that this limo was one of the finest he'd ever ridden in. He asked the driver if he would pull over to let him try his hand at driving it. Well, the driver had been told to make the Pope's to NYC as memorable and pleasant as possible, so he pulled over and they exchanged places. Pretty soon the pope was zooming along at a pretty good clip, weaving in and out of traffic. He passed a police patrol car and the officers gave chase. Finally the Pope pulled over. An officer walked up to the widow of the limo, took a look at the driver and walked back to the patrol car. His partner asked him why he didn't write a ticket. The officer shook his head and said "Too Big". What do you mean too big his partner asked? Was it the Mayor? "Bigger". Was it the Governor? "Bigger". Was it the President? No, even bigger then that. Well, who was it?!? Damned if I know the officer replied, but he had the Pope as his chauffeur!

ScottB

02-13-2008, 11:01 AM

[SIZE=3][FONT=Arial]Since all of you here are at least computer-literate for internet purposes, and quite often, the subjects of cooking & recipes show up here, I thought I

02-14-2008, 02:28 PM

Crazy Camera Shots

DrRalph

02-14-2008, 05:32 PM

Happy Valentine's Day.:D

Abacoparrott

02-14-2008, 06:04 PM

And you guys say you don't want golf on Guana Cay???? Maybe we should re-think this strategy a little bit......hmmmm.....:D ken

SamFamAustin

02-14-2008, 07:06 PM

Hey honey, just to let you know the charity golf tourney didn't go so good, since YOUR son hired some dancer girls, and now I'm kinda stuck here for a while. No big deal, but the girls won't ... well let's just say they won't be happy until we come up with a few hundred here ... would you mind going to the bank for us? Happy Valentines Day too honey ... wuv woo ... hey I'll be waiting WAY down the end of the road where you turn in. Thanks!

02-14-2008, 07:14 PM

http://www.slide.com/r/hD6DvyAOxD9ClUhvUpVcUMABW9QzpGnQ (http://www.slide.com/r/hD6DvyAOxD9ClUhvUpVcUMABW9QzpGnQ)

SamFamAustin

02-14-2008, 08:44 PM

Aw I loved it. We adopted a seagull down here on the beach in SPI, one that somebody had sprayed pink with some kind of paint or dye. Poor thing was treated like Charlie Brown by all the other sea gulls, so we started feeding it.

Wish I had some photos of a video, but that pink bird finally trusted us and would eat spaghetti right within a few inches of our hands. Sure, we varied the diet but watching a seagull trying to eat spaghetti was like watching a chimpanzee trying to [make love with] a football.

Our condo friend, a veterinarian, showed us how to feed seagulls, but the big idea is to make them line up and not throw the food in the air, which can result in bird poopy. Feed them a few feet away and make 'em work for it!
-sammie

p.s., the bird molted the next year and it is no longer pink.

Patty&Rudi

02-16-2008, 06:02 PM

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you
Ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a
trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the s+++ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

SamFamAustin

02-17-2008, 01:21 PM

LOL, I can't think of many clean jokes, but this one was told by a good ole boy from a small town in East Texas:

A new minister showed up for Sunday service and had a sermon about how like a baby leaning how to walk, the congregation had to grow. "And like that baby, we must first learn how to crawl."

"Let 'er crawl, reverend!"

"And then as our congregation grows we'll learn how to take our first steps with a guiding hand."

"Let 'er walk, reverend!"

"And then one day, with a few million dollars for a new church and a big choir we'll learn how to run, run, and run to glory."

"Let 'er crawl, reverend!"

Patti Puzo

02-17-2008, 04:06 PM

No such thing as too much beer...

HALF-A-HAMIAN

02-17-2008, 05:05 PM

There but for the Grace of God, go I.!!!

ScottB

02-20-2008, 11:48 AM

[FONT=Arial]For those of you with sons, and for those of you happy that you don

Patti Puzo

02-20-2008, 03:37 PM

See if you can spot the Canadian:

SamFamAustin

02-20-2008, 04:53 PM

the one with the zoobs? :confused:

serenity

02-20-2008, 06:16 PM

My coworker whose is getting up in years went to the doctor for her yearly woman checkup. While on the table, feet in the air, the nurse handed the doctor the spectula (I guess that is what it is called). The good doctor said no I need the largest we have. My friend not skipping a beat said Why don't you just peer in and holler hello hello ello llo oooooooo. True Story!

DrRalph

02-20-2008, 06:25 PM

SamFamAustin

02-20-2008, 06:29 PM

I think it's called a "spectacula." :rolleyes:

Patti Puzo

02-20-2008, 09:27 PM

the one with the zoobs? :confused:

Yeah, but were there any green stamps.... (Sorry Lori)
Sammie, I thought they all had zoobs!?!

SamFamAustin

02-20-2008, 09:59 PM

You know, them girlies really aren't dressed decent for the Abacos or in the surf, ya know, and while the Lord blessed us all with Zoobs of Plenty, some more than others, we all know the effects of extreme sunburn and are much more reasonable when on the beach. Not that I'm making any sense ... but I have sunburned my doggie and it was the worst moment of my life! :eek:
/sammie

Patti Puzo

02-21-2008, 08:43 AM

You're doggie forgot his little sun hat? LOL!!:eek:

SamFamAustin

02-21-2008, 10:57 AM

Make that a big ole Mexican sombrero, Patti. :rolleyes:

Patti Puzo

02-21-2008, 11:42 AM

Of course, EVERYTHING'S bigger in Texas, right?

Patti Puzo

02-21-2008, 11:45 AM

The heaviest element....

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named governmentium. Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes a reaction to take four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass." When catalyzed with money, governmentium becomes administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

This material is closely associated with another mineral, pandemonium, a mineral found in the area around governmentium and usually exists as a direct result of the action of governmentium.

Wonkee

02-22-2008, 06:50 PM

We forgot Regulatium, With its mass made mostly of Isodopes and is said to direct the Radiated Energy from The above elements. It Appears to have a function in the control of Governmentium, however is meerly a way to increase its mass, and has no real bering other than using valuable resources, with no measurable outcome thus further delaying reactions in all other elements

Patti Puzo

02-23-2008, 06:25 PM

Fishing

The man hasn't lived who would not be proud to be related to this genius.

FLOATING GAZEBO
I was going to build the Gazebo on the edge of my dock down by the lake but I thought ....I might just as well build the deck with floats on it and I can then take it out fishing too. Has 15,000# capacity.
The deck is 18ft x 18ft with 12 plastic foam filled dock floats that are 4ft x 4ft by 18 inch. high. and the Gazebo is 10 ft. Hexagon with a table and chairs inside.
Under the table is my trolling motor so I can take it out to my favorite fishing hole. The trolling motor is remote controlled wireless so I can be fishing outside and operate the motor. On the top of the table I have a LOWRANCE Fish-Finder with depth sounding sonars and temp gauge.
I have 2 electric winches with 40# anchors. I have also built in a water pump so I can clean the fish right on the spot.
Now I can relax and fish while my wife can sit and relax.

02-23-2008, 07:46 PM

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ---- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of
Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for
inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Univ. of
Arkansas, Bentonville. "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be
served with either white meat
(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

02-23-2008, 07:49 PM

WIN 2 TICKETS ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARES TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN BEIJING ,CHINA.

To participate is very easy, just view the photo below, correctly
answer the following questions and send your answers to:
International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne, Switzerland.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?

Good Luck!

gazeboman

02-24-2008, 02:21 PM

Hey Gazeboman, is this you?
The man hasn't lived who would not be proud to be related to this genius.

Not me, but the guy got the idea from a similar one I did back in 1995. My gazebos are a bit prettier!:p

SamFamAustin

02-24-2008, 04:27 PM

Funny you should say that ... my wife really wants a floating Gazebo for sailing on Laguna Madre, a large salty bay down in at the tip o' Texas. Probably needs a 10 HP and a good anchor system - but she doesn't care unless she can set in the shade. Big shade, more the merrier! Skeeter netting for when the wind goes down, essential!

Them patio boats are OK but come on, folks, that top on a patio boat ain't no more than a skimpy push-up bra. :D We're talking a big-Zoob floating cabana here with a Porta-Potty and everything.

Oh, and a good crane lift kit so we can ship it on the boat to the Abacos. :cool:
-sams

Wonkee

02-25-2008, 10:14 AM

Is there something wrong with the fact that it took me more than 5 min to identify the Canadian in a previous post.....I guess I was just distracted or looking for something a little less obvious....mabey tan lines?

ScottB

02-25-2008, 11:57 AM

Number 4 makes me chuckle... I can picture Jack Elam...

ScottB

02-25-2008, 01:33 PM

Who finds these things...?

Wonkee

02-26-2008, 10:07 PM

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas ..
They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old *******)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DE SIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock!***

02-28-2008, 10:30 PM

Pre-Nuptial Agreements http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

02-29-2008, 08:47 AM

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Wonkee

02-29-2008, 10:15 AM

If you enjoy Metaphores and Sarcasm then I have a book plug for you
Holy C.r.a.p. by Dan Krause. There are no periods just wont show up otherwise.
He was a Classmate of mine in College. He is much like the writers one would see in the Wittenburg Door publications. It helps you see some of the stupid things we do in the name of God that are truly just justify our own stupidity. Some call it sacrelegious I call it funny, and I have a degree in Theology.

SamFamAustin

02-29-2008, 08:09 PM

Hey that's cool, some of the funniest people I ever met were in Theo. I remember having a discussion over a beer about the Greek verb "to tent" which is often used in the Bible ... unfortunately in the Book of Samuel ... it meant to put up a tent and ... well this is a PG audience here. I haven't been camping since, and that 'Dueling Banjos' song ain't zactly helpin'. :confused:

03-06-2008, 09:38 AM

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

DaGoose

03-07-2008, 12:33 PM

Sorry if this has been posted before!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??"

Patti Puzo

03-07-2008, 12:58 PM

That was a good Friday laugh Tina!:D

gummy67

03-07-2008, 01:46 PM

>Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have
>a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is
>born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven
>of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling
>serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she
>points out the happy child as theirs.
>
>"Isn't it wonderful?" one says to the other. "All these unhappy babies,
>and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay
>love!" The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what
>happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ***!"

TropicalDon

03-07-2008, 04:37 PM

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward ! a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!" :D

DaGoose

03-07-2008, 04:47 PM

Cute one TropicalDon and welcome to the Forum!

Gummy, I am not EVEN going to comment on yours:eek:

Tina

SamFamAustin

03-07-2008, 06:12 PM

Rodney Daingerfeld really got an interviewer one time ... hope I'm not repeating this one. But Rodney spoke about his career, marriages, lovers, friends, and many friends and kin that had died over the years. It was all very touching. Some tears were shed. Without breaking stride he adds:

"But when I pick up the newspaper in the morning my testicles tell me it's time to mow the yard again."

-sammie
rest in peace, dude

Patti Puzo

03-07-2008, 06:22 PM

SamFamAustin

03-07-2008, 06:47 PM

I'm telling ya it's pretty bad. When I walk the dog, she brings along the plastic bag in case I mess up somebody's front yard.

Patti Puzo

03-07-2008, 07:35 PM

uote=SamFamAustin;24332]I'm telling ya it's pretty bad. When I walk the dog, she brings along the plastic bag in case I mess up somebody's front yard.[/quote]

BAH - DUMP - BUMP (Pun intended)!!!:D

SamFamAustin

03-07-2008, 08:31 PM

I tell ya it's bad. They roped me into doing the Democratic Caucus thang and there was no room in the meeting hall so we ended up in a bar. We had our little committee meeting and got some voted for super-delegate or whatever they wanted, voted, got resolutions, and all that good stuff.

So I went to the Town Hall and reported to the receptionist and said I was ready to report our results ... well about a day late. The receptionist looked over at the secretary and said that I wanted to "Caucus" and how can we help the gentleman with that?

"Boffus"?

justsue294

03-08-2008, 10:05 AM

I hope you all haven't seen this but I thought it was so funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go).com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go)

Patti Puzo

03-08-2008, 10:37 AM

Sue, I gave Mark 2 of his DVD's for Valentines Day (guy thing). We tried to go see him when his tour stopped in CO, but it was sold out well in advance. He really is talented!

Patty&Rudi

03-12-2008, 07:16 PM

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:
'Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a
land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic
mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling
lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high
cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and
rivers stocked with salmon.'

God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in resources so as to
make the inhabitants prosper. I shall call the inhabitants Canadians,
and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.'

'But Lord,' asked Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too
generous to these Canadians?'

'Not really,' replied God 'just wait and see the winters I am giving them!'

Alan Brown

03-13-2008, 10:45 AM

Democrat, Republican, or Redneck
>
>
>Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a >Redneck? Here is a little test that will help you decide.
>
>The answer can be found by posing the following question:
>
>You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
>Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife >comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, >screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
>knife, and charges at you.
>
>You are carrying a Kimber Model 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
>
>You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
>THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
>
>
>Democrat's Answer :
>Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
>Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I >ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
>Could we run away?
>What does my wife think? What about the kids?
>Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and >knock the knife out of his hand?
>What does the law say about this situation?
>Does the pistol have appropriate safety built >into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, >and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
>Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing >me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or >would he be content just to wound me?
>If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could >my family get away while he was stabbing me?
>Should I call 9-1-1?
>Why is this street so deserted? We need to >raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make >this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
>This is all so confusing! I need to debate this >with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
> .............................................
>
>
>Republican's Answer:
>BANG!
>
>
> .............................................
>
>
>Redneck's Answer:
>
>BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
>Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
>BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>Click
>Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those >the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
>Son: "Can I shoot the next one?!"
>
>Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"
>

HALF-A-HAMIAN

03-13-2008, 02:42 PM

THAT'S what I'M talkin' about!!

03-17-2008, 11:07 AM

Happy Easter!

Bill K

03-17-2008, 11:49 AM

Those are great JJ! here's another..

'A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'

Patti Puzo

03-17-2008, 01:26 PM

For all you frequent fliers out there----here it is....................finally!
New airport check-in procedures

Patti Puzo

03-17-2008, 01:31 PM

For MEN in Kilts!

Bill K

03-17-2008, 02:10 PM

Ahh Lassie, you out done yourself with that one. 'Erin Go Bragh' and Scotland one day after!

Patti Puzo

03-17-2008, 02:34 PM

Ahh Lassie, you out done yourself with that one. 'Erin Go Bragh' and Scotland one day after!

They need some of these at Grabber's, for the cute little bocce holders!:D :rolleyes:

Treasurehunt

03-17-2008, 08:40 PM

DrRalph

03-17-2008, 09:21 PM

:D What are your sources for these Funnies? Both text & pictures?
Particularly Patty Puzo & JJ or is it like the secret ingredient of a recipe?
I would like to pass a few along. How can I do that and am I allowed. Don't want to be sued for plagarism!

You're allowed, just post them here. Don't be crude:eek:, please.

Patti Puzo

03-17-2008, 09:44 PM

:D What are your sources for these Funnies? Both text & pictures?
Particularly Patty Puzo & JJ or is it like the secret ingredient of a recipe?
I would like to pass a few along. How can I do that and am I allowed. Don't want to be sued for plagarism!

You should be able to click on the picture and save to your computer, then cut and paste the text. Have a ball!;)

03-17-2008, 09:46 PM

Pretty much everything I have posted has been e-mailed to me by my husband and he is just forwarding on something he has received. They are just the jokes everyone forwards through e-mail. My husband is a big joke teller, so everyone he knows likes to forward him new material.

Patti Puzo

03-17-2008, 09:48 PM

That Dr. Ralph reminded me of today, cause it snowed here last night:

Wonder what this would rank on Gazeboman's AAS scale?

Patti Puzo

03-18-2008, 11:09 AM

The Greek and the Irishman!!

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we built the Parthenon," arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, "We discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Irishman replies, "Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."

Bill K

03-18-2008, 11:44 AM

I find myself starting the day with the Rocky Bay webcam and the Forum funnies.
Sort of staying with the theme..

A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:

1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

03-18-2008, 05:20 PM

supposedly all made with real food.

pslive

03-18-2008, 06:56 PM

Patti,

I bet it took a while before that guy in the snow had much use for a stool like the one in your previous picture.

Patti Puzo

03-18-2008, 07:19 PM

Patti,

I bet it took a while before that guy in the snow had much use for a stool like the one in your previous picture.

Good POINT! :D

tim abbott

03-20-2008, 12:43 PM

typo

TIM'S FRAMES

http://abbottcreations.blogspot.com

SamFamAustin

03-20-2008, 05:44 PM

LOL ... my dad passed an elephant one time. Took him a entire month.

OK, not funny ... but he really does like Rice Crispies with Schlitz beer instead of milk. Says he gets popped twice.

People who live in Berlin are called Berliners, right? And if you live in Hamburg you're a Hamburger. But if you live in Wank, a small Bavarian village ... :eek:

Not that the last one was relevant to my dad.

But one time I asked my dad why the old sailing ships and steamships of the Northeast used to have big bronze eagles on them. He spread his arms and went BRAAAAWWWK.

03-20-2008, 09:16 PM

haha

Patti Puzo

03-22-2008, 12:22 PM

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10< /B>

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids w ith them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

DaGoose

03-22-2008, 12:31 PM

haha

JJ, Is that Bunny on the left?:D

Hey Patti, that was too funny and true!

Tina

Alan Brown

03-22-2008, 03:45 PM

Wonkee

03-22-2008, 10:30 PM

If he was a couple years older he would have added cold Bud's to the chip n' dip.
Shame on you saying she should bring Bud to her husband....
I'm Sorry we only promote the Distribution of Kalik, and Kalik Gold in these parts

Alan Brown

03-23-2008, 11:18 AM

Sorry!

I was just trying to do my small part to stimulate the U.S. economy. Afterall, Uncle Sam is gonna pay me $600 to do just that. I just started too early.

Won't happen again!

Patti Puzo

03-23-2008, 01:12 PM

How come only the girls get an "attaboy"? All told, I think the boys offered the most insightful comments!

I especially concur with Alan (#1). He is wise beyond his years!

P.S. If he was a couple years older he would have added cold Bud's to the chip n' dip.

Mark's youngest brother works at the Bud plant in Ft. Collins, Colorado, and lives just down the way from us.
Each month, we find several cases of their products outside our garage door. He gets a monthly allotment, and has to give them away, and since he works there, he isn't exactly a fan of the smell. We have 2 separate garage buildings now, with 2 separate beer fridges. BTW, neither Mark or I drink beer either. (I will occasionally have a red beer - almost as good as a V8, or if on island KALIK GOLD)...:rolleyes: :D
So Alan, if you find yourself in Colorado, and want to sit through a Rockies or Bronco game with us, the Bud's on us!

Alan Brown

03-23-2008, 01:48 PM

Patti Puzo

03-23-2008, 02:12 PM

Patti,

Be careful what you offer!

When I next visit my son and step-son in Denver, you may not have enough beer to fill-up the 3 of us! Heck, if you've already got too much beer to handle and space is becoming a problem, I'll send them up tomorrow. It's just the polite thing to do.

Alan

Just as long as they don't show up wearing any of that nasty ol' Sox stuff....
Seriously, give us a ring if you find yourself out here!

SamFamAustin

03-23-2008, 10:38 PM

From the "This is a Real Story Department":

There were some nice people renting next door and we got to talking. I casually asked if they had checked their brains into the kiosk over on the mainland, since that was pretty much what everybody does when visiting on the islands.

"OMG no, what's up with that?"

"It's like $200 but you get it back when you cross back over, no big deal"

"That's a lot of money!"

"Naw, you just write $200 on a piece of paper and sign your name and you're good to go - no real money involved. Pirate's Landing is the best, and not a bad grouper sandwich for these parts."

Several days later I received an irate call from the owner of Pirate's Landing. People were wanting their $200 back. This was not good and they all said a guy named Sam sent them over.

"So, you threw away those scraps of paper, huh?"

"What? Oh yeah, they insisted we keep them but they ended up in the trash."

"So you sent brainless people down the highway or to the airport, right? But they all bought a big old lunch on a credit card and left a big tip, right?"

"Well yeah. Never mind, Sam."

"Ma'am, come on over to the Island if you want to talk about it ... but first, write down $200 on a piece of paper and sign your name. This time hide it in the cash register, OK?"

HALF-A-HAMIAN

03-26-2008, 09:16 PM

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.

The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

Wonkee

04-03-2008, 03:26 PM

From a Lady Pastor ...

Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.

Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... miniskirts. If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.

Ok fine, just to be fair:
why would women need driver’s licenses? There’s no road between the kitchen and laundry room! Or….why did they invent shopping carts? To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

HALF-A-HAMIAN

04-03-2008, 09:52 PM

And, is there a stove behind that pulpit?!

SamFamAustin

04-03-2008, 10:53 PM

I used to work at a state agency on environmental quality and I was in the air quality department. One day we received a very strange call from overseas, which was relayed by an operator to see if we would accept the charges. Unfortunately we could not, and told the operator to try our 1-800 free number. About ten minutes later we got a call from a very agitated person who sounded Oriental although we don't know who were talking to or where he was from.

"Give me your Mother. I need your Mother. Give me your Mother right now!"

My friend Marty and I looked at each other in disbelief, but stayed in the game. "Why do you need our Mother?"

"Give me your Mother. I need your Mother. Give me your Mother right now!"

I tried next. "Which is the Mother that you desire today sir?"

To make a long story short, he was a Chinese scholar working on the same air pollution stuff as us and needed a certain kind of computer "model" that everybody was using at the time. Obviously he was trying very hard to communicate in Engrish. So we set up a way to send him the goodies on some discs and asked if there was anything else we could do for the good man.

"No, when I get your Mother it will be like heaven."

Little did we know that while on the conference phone, a loudspeaker thing, our boss had been listening outside the open door. We almost had a heart attack! But he was a good man and announced he found money in the budget for some OK but really puny raises, and that we did OK on that crazy call.

"Give me your Mother. I need your Mother. Give me your Mother right now!"

Alan Brown

04-04-2008, 11:32 AM

TRULY TOUCHING

Subject: Elephant Story

I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs, and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

04-07-2008, 12:58 PM

EASY EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50.
(And you don't need expensive equipment)
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level, but I am not quite over 50 yet.)
..............................
...............................
......................................

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks

Patti Puzo

04-09-2008, 01:59 PM

Gravity is a *itch

04-10-2008, 10:23 AM

.......

04-10-2008, 10:43 AM

How to hide from doing household chores...

Patti Puzo

04-11-2008, 10:56 AM

So, how cold is it where you are?

Patti Puzo

04-11-2008, 12:41 PM

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 , there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Patty&Rudi

04-11-2008, 04:08 PM

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him .
'You gonna try again.' ***

Patti Puzo

04-12-2008, 12:03 PM

This is what happens when you retire and try to go shopping together!

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and
sticks it into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE F....ING PRICE'.

Patti Puzo

04-16-2008, 04:58 PM

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.....There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the as$ are interchangeable."

Patti Puzo

04-18-2008, 11:07 AM

There's advertising and then there's advertising.......but this promo at the Doctor's office should be a winner.

HALF-A-HAMIAN

04-23-2008, 02:16 PM

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't findWisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature,"

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Minnesota or Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

I choose ABACO!!! :cool:

Patti Puzo

04-26-2008, 11:57 PM

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I can't see my ***** coming into work today.

justsue294

04-27-2008, 12:14 AM

> > HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
> >
> > George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed, when
> > his
> > wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
> > could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
> > off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
> >
> >
> >
> > He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No.'
> > Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an
> > officer will be along when one is available.'
> >
> > George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
> > phoned the police again.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there w ere people
> > stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
> > now
> > because I just shot them.' and he hung up.
> >
> >
> >
> > Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
> > Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
> > residence,
> > and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George,
> > 'I
> > thought you said that you'd shot them!'
> >
> >
> >
> > George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
> >
> > Don't mess with old people
> >
> >
Sue

Patti Puzo

04-28-2008, 09:11 AM

No mater what situations life throws at you..

no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...

Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

HALF-A-HAMIAN

05-02-2008, 04:56 PM

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is, 'she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.' :rolleyes:

BahamaAngie

05-02-2008, 05:36 PM

I need to send that one to my son....funny!

HALF-A-HAMIAN

05-21-2008, 04:25 PM

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing." ;)